All vows are equal, but in sickness and in health may be less so. Studies revealed that men are more likely to leave a sick spouse than women.
Till death do us part is a vow most couple makes when they tie the knot. It’s a promise that matters, because when it hits the fan, partners turn to their spouses for comfort, support, guidance and love. Yet when serious illness enters a marriage, it seems that throupling-up with a condition that could make someone gravely ill, as the third wheel, is not everyone’s cup of tea.
Research has hinted at a not-so-great pattern of when wives fall seriously ill, divorce rates rise. When husbands do, marriages tend to remain glued.
A recent large-scale study by Karraker and Latham, published in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior, examined the impact of serious illnesses on marriages in middle age and older. Their findings suggested that only a wife’s illness predicted an increased risk of divorce. The same did not hold true for husbands.
Another study, published on ScienceDaily, revealed an even starker contrast. It read that women diagnosed with cancer or multiple sclerosis were found to be six times more likely to experience divorce or separation soon after their diagnosis than if the man in the relationship were the patient. The study found that 20.8% of couples divorced when the woman became ill, compared with just 2.9% when the man was the one who got sick.
Women are expected to nurture
Psychologist and medical doctor Dr Jonathan Redelinghuys said the data reflects the split in how society teaches people to approach caregiving, and it’s by gender. “From early on, women are expected to nurture and care for others, and that expectation carries into marriage. When a husband becomes ill, his wife often steps fully into the caregiver role without hesitation,” he said. “Men are rarely socialised to provide that level of physical and emotional caregiving. When their wives fall seriously ill, many men experience it as a sudden and overwhelming segue in what they expected marriage to be.”
We cannot underestimate the emotional weight of becoming a full-time caregiver, he said. “For some men, illness forces them to face vulnerability they are not equipped to process.” Rather than seeking help or adapting, they retreat, and sadly, that sometimes means leaving the marriage.”
Lisa Welsh, a relationship expert from savethatspark.com, said the caregiving gap goes beyond cultural expectations and impacts how relationships function on a day-to-day basis. “Women who are sick often still try to maintain their roles in the home, even when they physically cannot. When that fails, many men simply don’t know how to take over. Instead of seeing it as a season to pull together, they see it as the relationship crumbling,” she said.
“It becomes easier for some to walk away than to reimagine the relationship around care and support.”
Welsh noted that the difference is not about love as much as emotional skills. “It is not that men love their wives less. It is that women have more practice at the invisible load of caregiving. Men can often struggle to switch from being cared for to being the caregiver.”
Serious illness can break relationships
Dr Redelinghuys said that serious illness can break even the most previously stable relationships. “When intimacy becomes medical, couples start talking about pain charts and treatment schedules, and the lightness that once defined the relationship gives way to responsibility and a sense of heaviness. “Women often adapt to that change more easily because they regularly put others first.”
Support can make the difference between staying and leaving, said Welsh. “When men get tools to cope with the fear, grief and stress of having a sick partner, many rise to the challenge. It is when they feel isolated, unsupported and unprepared that the instinct to run becomes stronger.”
Dr Redelinghuys said the tools that help men cope are simple but absolutely key. “Practical caregiving training, emotional counselling, and peer support groups give men both confidence and relief,” he said. “It helps them feel they are not alone, that they can learn to do this and still be themselves. Structured guidance on what to expect day by day can turn fear into action, and that knowledge and emotional support can be what saves the marriage.”
