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Some turns of phrase are turn-offs before even the second glass of red wine lubricates what is already a stressful encounter.
Dates can go horribly wrong. Picture iStock
Whether you’ve swiped right or simply met someone at a bar, a first date can often be hell.
Putting your best foot forward is important, and being blunt could get anyone booted from a seat at the relationship table from the start.
Some turns of phrase are turn-offs before even the second glass of red wine lubricates what is already a stressful encounter.
To help you avoid a disaster date, here are seven conversations not to have:
“I’m just looking for something fun… unless you change my mind.”
This isn’t flirty. It’s mixed signalling and, as psychologist Dr Jonathan Redelinghuys explains, it sets the tone for a power imbalance where one person holds back while dangling vague promises.
“Mixed messages early on create anxiety and mistrust,” said Dr Redelinghuys. “It implies emotional unavailability and a lack of respect for the other person’s intentions.”
“My ex used to…” or “You remind me of my ex.”
A cold shoulder guarantee. Nobody wants to be compared to a former lover.
Leave your ex-anecdotes at the parcel counter and forget to collect it when you go home.
“Mentioning an ex shows emotional residue that hasn’t cleared,” said Dr Redelinghuys. “It immediately positions your date as a comparison, not an individual.”
A study found that ex-talk drastically reduces attraction and perceived emotional availability. Like a Reddit user said: “He compared me to his ex-twice before the appetisers arrived. I excused myself.”
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“I looked you up.”
Never, ever admit to CIA-ing the person you’re spending time with on a date.
Imagine telling your date that you saw their pics of an office party where they danced on the tables last year.
“Oversharing digital snooping shatters the illusion of organic discovery,” said Dr Redelinghuys. “There’s a fine line between curiosity and control.”
“I really do not like……”
Keep your opinions on sensitive matters to yourself.
This can be something as simple as supporting US President Donald Trump’s Afrikaner refugee programme through to animal welfare, women’s, or men’s rights.
Moreover, hate speech or prejudice that belongs to decades ago is not sexy.
“Expressions of intolerance signal emotional rigidity and poor empathy,” said Dr Redelinghuys. “You will not get lucky spewing codswallop.”
“So, how much do you earn?”
A Reddit user lamented that “she asked about my salary right after asking what car I drove. Nope. No thanks.”
Payslips are not love letters, and month-end is not Valentine’s Day.
Making a first date transactional, said Dr Redelinghuys, solicits judgment, and concomitantly, he added, “you can make someone feel that the only value they have is what’s in the bank.”
A study by the Personal Relationships Journal found that asking questions about money too soon can lead to personal discomfort and may come across as overly materialistic.
“I’ve had more than 25 sexual partners.”
So, here’s my dirty laundry, you say. There are notches on my bedpost.
There can be nothing worse than sharing a meal when your date pipes up and blurts out the contents of their little black book or, even worse, that they have some kind of unmentionable fetish.
There’s a time and place for everything, said Dr Redelinghuys.
“Early sexual disclosure without trust is often received as attention-seeking or emotionally reckless. It can make the other person feel like a statistic rather than a potential partner or just plain scared.”
“I’m just wanting to get married and have kids. Soon”
Before you’ve had your first kiss or gafoofle, they tell you that there’s a plan in motion and a checklist to boot.
On this roadmap, there are kids at this time, a new house at that time, and grandkids further along the way. It’s pressure that can make the oversharer seem desperate.
“There’s a difference between being goal-driven and appearing desperate,” Dr Redelinghuys explained. “It can overwhelm your date and create pressure before there’s been any connection.”
