How to deal with your teen’s first romantic relationship

It must be the epitome of powerlessness.

For years, you have nurtured your child. You taught him everything he needed to know and you prayed that it would guide him in his decision making. You held her close and kept her safe.

And now your teenager is in love.

Oh dear.

What if he breaks her heart? What if she ruins his year? What if they do the nasty?

“I’m not ready to be a grandparent!” you boldly declare to nobody in particular.

What are your options?

• Lock her up?
• Buy a shotgun?
• Get an interdict against whoever winks at your child?

None of the above. Although the thought of your child’s heart belonging to some teenager may scare you to death, you are going to have to deal with it.

Sexologist Timothy Kieswetter gives guidance on how to do so.

• “I am so happy for you, my child,” is the ideal response. Before considering the merits of the relationship, parents have to celebrate their kids’ joy. Parents, he says, have to acknowledge that their children are growing up and will want to experience romance. “There’s nothing worse than someone peeing on your fire, even if that fire may burn you,” he says. As soon as parents react out of fear and dissuade their children from having relationships, their children get the impression that parents don’t regard them as maturing individuals. Children will then be less likely to share their relationship experiences with their parents.

• “Tell me more.” Once you have shared in your child’s joy, you have the opportunity to obtain more information on the person he or she is in love with. This, according to Timothy, is much better than coming to your own conclusions about someone you may not even know.

• “Love is a feeling in the heart. The decisions we make while feeling love are ‘head-decisions,” he says. “One of the first lessons we must teach our children is that the feeling of love comes automatically. What we think and decide do about it do not,” he says. According to Timothy, love is initially blind. Your heart, he says, may lead you to have feelings for someone who is not good for you. For that reason, it is important that parents teach their children to refrain from being led only by these feelings. They must also think of their actions, its consequences and the future.

• Rather than categorising between right and wrong, we must distinguish between the healthy and the unhealthy. “Parents often want to teach kids about right and wrong in relationships and tell them what they may and may not do. It is better to focus on what is healthy and unhealthy. Teach them to use this as a filter when making decisions about love,” he suggests. A teenager has the tendency to rebel against “right and wrong,” but may have better understanding of the need to make healthy choices.

• “When can we meet him or her?” Timothy urges parents to be part of their teenagers’ relationships. “By creating a comfortable atmosphere at home, you are causing your child to bring his relationship there rather than elsewhere, where there is no security and supervision,” he concludes.

On November 18, he will perform Die Stripshow – an entertaining, informative talk – at Emnotweni. Call 086-100-0291 to book your seat.