When you’re holding all the Aces

Dear Ace Magashule, Lord of the ANC, Teflon Don, Untouchable of Untouchables. Congratulations on, well, so many things. Surviving, mostly. But also for being honest.

In an interview the other day, you said: “Tell me of one leader of the ANC who has not done business with government.” What a bombshell. Not the bit about ANC leaders. That was more confirmation than revelation.

What stunned the nation was that we were afforded a rare glimpse of the truth. It was like seeing cats having sex, something no one has ever witnessed. No one has ever heard anyone in the ANC’s top six speak with such naked, unvarnished candour, either. It was quite something to behold. It was also a near genius tactic to publicly call on law enforcement to stamp out corruption in the government.

At first I thought this was little more than a dog whistle, but then found I couldn’t decode the whistle or even identify the dog. It certainly left your critics flat-footed. Here you are, a man whose alleged misdeeds were the subject of an entire book, demanding that the cops arrest the looters. It confused people. It was like seeing a drunk driver crawl out of his wrecked car and loudly condemn people who drink and drive. Your deflections are obviously more cleverly crafted.

I can’t believe people are making such a fuss about the Free State treasury giving your two sons PPE contracts worth R2.7 million.

I don’t even get out of bed for that kind of money. Most senior civil servants wouldn’t bother picking it up if it was lying in the gutter. Don’t allow your children to sell themselves short. You’re not known as Mr 10% for nothing. I imagine you’re feeling a little disappointed in them. Take the lads in hand. You don’t want the shame of them going off the rails and doing something crazy like raising funds for charity.

Nobody wants to wake up one morning and find their children have renounced capitalism and are trying to save the whales. Mind you, they’re just starting out and I have no doubt they’ll work their way up to the major league. They’re paying their dues. Well, someone is paying them to pay their dues.

Your second-born, Thato, has already bought himself a R2 million BMW X7. That was a big mistake. It will attract the wrong attention. He should have gone for the Mercedes-Benz GLS-Class. It’s only a few bob more and comes with loads more cargo space for the gifts and sacks of money that will almost certainly be coming his way.

I see one of the running dogs of the counter-revolutionary, anti-majoritarian, proto-fascist, puppet media has named some of your old Free State mates as being up to no good. There are some classics, I must say. The former chairperson of the Free State Development Agency, Hantsi Matseke, scored PPE contracts worth R900,000. She conceded to having a “professional relationship” with you.

I bet she’s regretting not having had a personal relationship with you. That’s where the real money lies.

A company called MT Motsemme, whose sole director is a member of the ANC Women’s League, was awarded over R1.2 million for “unnamed goods”. I like that. No pressure. Old shoes, garden tools, a packet of biscuits. Anything in the garage you need getting rid of. Funnily enough, the company shares its name with Mosidi Lydia Motsemme, the mother of three of your children. Probably just a coincidence.

KLAK Trading landed a R4.3 million tender. It doesn’t say what for. Probably squeegees and braai tongs, given that it’s an unregistered car wash and shisa nyama. It gets even better. A company called Wingilux was given contracts worth R4.8 million. Two of the directors, the Lekone twins, served eight years for fraud involving R170 million. Tata ma chance, $ure, why not. As you said, everyone is doing it. Like the Jerusalema.

These disaster regulations have turned us all into amateur criminals, which provides perfect cover for the true professionals.

The Hawks seem to be flexing their cute little wings, though, so do be careful. Just last week, 12 police officers were arrested at OR Tambo International Airport. The dirty dozen had been stealing drugs confiscated from mules. That same day, 11 Tshwane metro cops were arrested for bribing motorists. Anyway. It’s probably nothing to worry about.

A PR exercise no different to the president’s latest ministerial committee to deal with … ah, never mind. You know the drill. You’ll be retired by the time they’re done separating the truly rotten apples from the gently decaying in law enforcement alone. By the way, have you done an inventory of all the confiscated alcohol and tobacco yet?

My guess is that you’d be lucky to find much more than a six-pack and two cartons of Chesterfield in a station commander’s drawer. This is how it should be. Redistribution is an important pillar of the national democratic revolution. When are you going to overthrow Ramaphosa and take the reins? Your first act should be to privatise the online store, Loot, and put them in charge of service delivery.

Cadres employed by them will be called Looters and the chattering classes will have to come up with a new epithet to describe courageous liberationists. A political commentator recently described the ANC as a “vampire squid”. I didn’t even know there was such a thing. Its formal name is Vampyroteuthis infernalis – vampire squid from hell. I hope you’re running with this, chief.

The ANC logo of a shield, assegai and pizza is way past its sell-by date. Maybe keep the shield.

It implies that you’re protected from consequences. But replace the rest with an image of a vampire squid. The party has much in common with this feisty little brute.

For a start, it’s brilliant at wriggling out of tight spots. It has limpid, globular eyes, which appear red or blue, depending on lighting. Does that not perfectly describe Jessie Duarte? Like Jacob Zuma, its head is its most prominent feature. Unlike Zuma, it reproduces slowly, but it is thought to be an opportunistic hunter. Tenders, hello? Hatchlings, like members of the ANC Youth League, are well-developed miniatures of the adults. And their velar filaments, similar to the young comrades’ brains, are not fully formed. The only major difference is that the hatchlings are transparent. If threatened, the vampire squid will throw its arms up.

Unlike the ANC, it doesn’t shout the octopod equivalent of, “It wasn’t me!” Maybe it does. I don’t know. When highly agitated, the vampire squid ejects a sticky cloud of mucus. On the rare occasion they are faced with the possibility of imprisonment, ANC cadres produce a stinky crowd of lawyers. However, the squid’s getaway speed is considerably slower than the BMW X7. Right. That’s enough about blood-sucking, bottom-feeding opportunists. And enough about cephalopods, too. Good luck, comrade.

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