Does your child love him/herself? Yes, love him/herself! Not merely thinking he/she is okay because of what they possess in material things or look like or wear, or because they are achievers.
Or is it to be found in “If my parents think I am not naughty they will love me”, or “If my teacher thinks I am good, I will be accepted”. Especially our girls – every girl likes hearing she looks pretty, but is that where she thinks her self-worth is to be found?
It is heart breaking to see in practice how many young children strive to be well-behaved because they think that will make them “good enough” for their parents and for society.
It is shocking to see how few children are out there possess a healthy self-image
How much do we as adults contribute to their perceptions? Where do these perceptions start? There are many contributing factors. One of these can be linked to parents that were for whatever reason unable to bond with the child.
There are many reasons for this as well – be it a broken home, losing a parent due to death, having to go to hostel at a young age.
Another could be a parent who continually urges his/her child to perform, privately hoping that the child will achieve what the parent was not able to. Or parents from a dysfunctional childhood who transfers their frustrations on to their children, many times ignorant of the damage they may be causing. And sometimes knowing the damage that was done to them, but not seeking advice on how to change their behaviour.
A child can perceive this as “Maybe I am not good enough and that’s why I only have one parent”. Even though this is a wrong perception – it is a perception and influences the child’s thinking patterns.
But take heart. It is never too late to initiate a bonding process with your children.
Do you as parent give enough positive reflection/feedback to your child? Not commenting only on when they look nice or perform well?
Do you ever tell your child that you enjoy him for just being him, that she has a beautiful smile, that you are proud when he/she does something kind to a sibling or a friend?
Some small ways in which you can show them how much they mean to you, are: writing them little notes; surprise him/her with a note in the school bag saying: “I love you just the way you are”.
This is not giving them a free pass to behave whichever way they like, but shows them that ‘even though you disappoint me as a parent sometimes or are disobedient at times – I still love you’. And remember to follow this up with deeds and reactions that confirm your message – like a big bear hug often!
Also compliment them on enjoying lunch with them, or thank them for washing the dishes, even though you would like to say, “Why did you do half a job?” Remember, they are still learning! Appreciate them for tidying their room (even if not perfectly), clearing the table, watering the garden, washing the car, putting out the trash – and many more little daily tasks they may be performing.
A kind word of warning: Spending money on your child to compensate for lack of interest or attention is not showing love.
And only complimenting your child when he/she does well in that rugby/netball match or passes a test with distinction is not showing unconditional love.
We all live in this rat-race, and we are all tired and warn out after a day’s work. And none of us is perfect, but please; don’t just buy that thing because you are too tired to spend time with your child.
They need more than that ‘thing’ to feel ‘I am a worthy person’ – worthy of someone’s time, and loved because ‘I am me’ and not because of what I do or have or wear.
Will your child be able to remain standing if circumstances had to change today?
Would they have had enough infilling of love to last them a life-time?
