SA can fix its borders with a TV show – here’s how

Julius Malema isn’t special. Controversial rock star Marilyn Manson is also having trouble getting into the UK. One must be pretty envious of a country where border control actually means something and has the desired effect.

Our minister of home affairs has launched the awkwardly named Operation New Broom to deal with illegal immigration, but why do we need all that effort?

We have TV, we have an audience starved for good local content, and we have the knowledge that true crime makes for compelling television. If people needed rapper Xzibit to have a TV show to get their rides pimped and we need a depressing end to our Sunday night in order to uncover corruption, why not extend that energy?

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Where is our South African border show?

Can you imagine? There would be no need for a Bheki Cele “stomach in – chest out” speech! If they knew they’d be on TV, the cops would make their bodies enviable just not to be embarrassed in front of the whole nation.

Imagine if you then made it competitive.

Which cop busts the most border crossings this week? Though this is South Africa, so it may get to a point of which cop scores the highest bribe. Whatever. In this economy, we’ll have to take any injection to the budget. Gosh, what if we got the army involved too and made it a team sport. We can identify the most common time for immigration illegalities and have a live feed.

Our local TV doesn’t have to be relegated to dull reruns and R50 giveaways. Best of all, we already pay the cast. The extras will likely be deported so the production cost can be kept down. The newsroom can make use of the footage, so there’s a win for the station there and we’re pretty sure to win an Emmy.

If you look at the Emmy winners from the last couple of years, surely a South African illegal immigration policing show will outdo RuPaul’s Drag Race. Call the show ‘Operation New Broom’ for all I care, but please make it happen.

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I know it’s sad to admit that we need a TV show to inspire some dedication to the work we desperately need done in the country, but if this is how it must happen then let it be so.

And you absolutely know that there will be a spin-off as well: ‘Surviving SA Cops’ – teams of illegal immigrants compete to avoid being busted. Not only will it bring in the ratings but what’s left of our intelligence services would welcome the insight into the latest tricks of the trade.

Oh South Africa, the gold mine we sit on is not just under the ground. Ninety-nine problems and we can’t make a TV show out of even one? Australian border patrol? Who cares about some Middle Eastern aunty trying to smuggle a bit of za’atar into the outback? Dog the Bounty Hunter? I don’t think anybody can take a dude who introduces himself to a bunch of school kids as Uncle Dog seriously. But South African cops? Boy oh boy, do we love ourselves a good popo story. From the police officer who was delighted to be videoed on the iPhone of the driver who pays her salary to our being treated to exquisite asynchronous marching, there’s entertainment value to law enforcement.

That kind of stuff shouldn’t be limited to TikTok and YouTube. If it’s happening and its entertaining, then let the masses see it… and let those who are tasked with enforcing the law have whatever inspiration they require to get the job done.

If inspiration comes from being on TV, then let’s do it. What have we got to lose?

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