How to search for gainful employment, matrics

Dear feckless matric-writing ingrate,

Today marks the beginning of the end.

You will soon flood towns and cities looking for jobs. Good luck with that. Last I heard, there aren’t … let me not spoil the surprise for you.

Your main mission is to become financially independent of your long-suffering parents so that you can get your own place. Having said that, parents everywhere will agree it’s a mission that hardly ever succeeds entirely. As long as your mother or father is richer than you are, the gold-bearing umbilical cord will never be completely severed.

I borrowed money from my father quite recently. He no longer keeps tabs on the “loans”’. He once made me spread fertiliser on his lawn in lieu of paying him back. I was a fully formed adult at the time. I was so mortified that I almost decided to never ask him for money again.

My point is that you don’t want to sponge off your parents forever because they will always find new and unusual ways to humiliate you. So, as you take your initial shaky steps on the road to freedom, the first thing you are going to have to do is cut back on your drinking. Your steps are shaky because you are still drunk.

Some people have a problem hiring drunks. I don’t. Then again, I don’t run a business. It’s just me and this bottle of … what the hell is this stuff? It’s made my lips turn blue. Maybe I’m dead and my punishment is to sit behind a burning desk in the hellfires of damnation and write a column every week for all eternity.

Don’t feel bad. You’re not being judged. That will come later. In court, most likely. Anyone forced to wear a uniform for 12 years eventually develops a drinking problem. After cleaning up physically, you will need to spend a bit of time on your mental and emotional state.

Your head has been filled with gigabytes of distorted facts, trivia of no use outside a pub quiz and maths that will, for the rest of your life, fail you when it comes to accurately calculating your waitress’ tip. You will need to forget a lot of what you have learnt. Weed can help with that. You are also a hot mess of raging hormones. Do not apply for a job until your skin and genitals are under control.

Speaking of the curriculum, you will have to get your curriculum vitae in order. Curriculum vitae is Latin for “little white lies”. This is not a colour thing. Black people should be able to tell white lies without feeling they have betrayed their race.

The CV is your marketing document. From selling us sea monkeys in suits to telling us Coke is life, marketing had a falling-out with the truth a long time ago and relations remain hostile. It is not up to you to get these old foes together again.

Forget little white lies. It is far better you tell great steaming whoppers. This will show your prospective employer that you think creatively and are not afraid to take risks. Most companies these days are reluctant to hire anyone who is overly attached to the truth.

Capitalism is a filthy yet profitable system and nobody wants an employee who calls the cops every time there’s a spot of insider trading or a homicide in the gentlemen’s bathroom.

Right from the start, lie about who you are. This will work in your favour when the company files charges after you’ve been there long enough for disillusionment to coalesce into criminality. It’s a huge advantage to be able to say, “There’s nobody here by that name,” before sauntering out of the building and running like hell.

Make up a name that people are unlikely to forget. Here are a few suggestions: Adolf Shitler; Attila de Honey; Elizabeth Vagina; Cleopatra van der Spuy.

So-called experts will tell you to keep your CV to a single page. This is ridiculous. A proper CV should be at least 40 pages long. You are going to need every one of them to list your achievements.

Your groundbreaking work in stem cell research alone could easily run to a dozen pages. And that time you walked from Benoni to the North Pole is worth a few thousand words. Unless you have progeria, you might need to cosmetically age yourself. Unfortunately, these cosmetics have not yet been invented.

Make your CV easy to read by including bullet points, although I have found it more effective to include actual bullets. That way there is no mistaking the message you want to get across. People who work in human resources aren’t always the brightest and you might need to spell it out.

Just lay those 9mm hollow point babies right there on the desk. If they ask what is the meaning of this, snort and toss your hair. If you have no hair, toss something else. Then say, “It’s simple. Either I get the job or everyone here dies.”

Then laugh. That way they will know you have a good sense of humour and offer you a position right away. Use the advantage to demand the CEO’s job. This time, don’t laugh.

Arrive late for the interview. By keeping the panel waiting, you will have sent a clear message that you hold yourself in exceptionally high esteem and are not to be trifled with. This will work particularly well if you introduce yourself as Vlad the Impala.

Assuming that millions of others have applied for the position, you need to do something that will make yourself stand out from the crowd. I would suggest going into the interview with petroleum jelly smeared on your legs.

Your cue is that corporate lie, “We’ll get back to you”. Thank them for their time, light your trousers and walk out. Be sure to brush against the curtains. They will remember you after that.

Some employers insist that your CV is accompanied by a covering letter. Here is an example of the ideal cover letter:

Dear Whatever Your Name Is,

Your company is rubbish and if you want to stay in business you would have to be retarded not to hire me. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Of course not. Nobody wants to look failure in the eye. I have done extensive research on your company and whatever it is that you do I can do it better. My mother says I can do whatever I want if I put my mind to it. This morning I woke up, had a cheese and psilocybin omelette and put my mind to it. The results are inconclusive.

I imagine you will want to reward me handsomely for my efforts. Where I come from, handsome starts at R15 million a month plus a helicopter and one of those sports cars that an ANC mayor drives. I will let you know when it is convenient for me to start work.

Yours truly,

Napolean Blownapart

PS. Your offices are in Joburg but I am in Cape Town. Please make arrangements to relocate by the end of the month.

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