Lady Helene and Toney plot Tesla deals and Starlink lobbying while mocking rivals and Dina Pule's Cabinet return.
Picture for illustration: iStock
There was a soft white tablecloth draping Table Mountain, neatly framed in the picture windows of the 21st-floor boardroom of Absolve Miss-communications, as the men in their conservative suits sipped their lattes, prepared in situ by a Senegalese barista. (Good coffee is so hard to come by, even in Cape Town…)
The intercom buzzed.
“Good morning, sir, I have Lady Helene here with me, in the lobby…”
The suits shrieked in unison, ducking behind the mahogany and leather boardroom chairs as the chair shouted: “What have I said? We don’t use that L-word here!”
It wasn’t long before the Lady, imperious in head-to-foot blue, strode into the room.
“I know it’s your company, Toney, and I know I am no longer the mayor, but I hope you have improved your bloody coffee…”
Even as the barista was passing her ristretto – she had recently taken to the short, strong, dark brews as a way to remind herself that Dada Morero, also short and dark although not so strong, was Priority Number One – Toney remarked: “Once you’re in office up there, I think you should be made Helene of Troyeville…
“And, by the way, I have an excellent source of Ethiopian beans who would be perfect as a replacement supplier for the municipality. Geordino’s very happy with it down here… he told me so himself.”
Toney waited while Lady Helene savoured the Ethiopian highland sting, then said: “This fuss caused by Johnboy has been so inconvenient. Just as we were starting to make progress with Solly and Starlink. Solly took a while – needs a bit of mentoring, but that’s what I’m here for – but now he gets it.”
Helene shook her head: “Johnboy – he developed a taste for BMWs and the tea at Union Buildings. I remember back in the day when he was happy with his Subaru Forester and vodka, lime and lemonade in uMhlanga…”
Toney nodded and went on: “Talking about cars, Elon rang just now with the details of the Tesla contract for the City of Joburg. We reckon that 200 cars would be about right and that the entire City Power infrastructure budget can then be put towards a charging network for them. They would look best as highway patrol cars for the JMPD, Elon reckons.”
Helene nodded: “Can’t wait to get control of things. We’ll show them how it should be done with a transportation contract… not the amateur half-hour show Herman and his buddies at the EFF put on.”
She took a sip and continued: “Anything from the Yanks?”
Toney answered: “Marco says it’s a pity the people in South Africa are too stupid to understand what lobbying is all about. It’s the way of life in Washington… exactly what Henry Kissinger told me years ago – and he got things done all over the world. That man was an inspiration!”
Toney pulled out a notebook. “Washington is happy that we just keep annoying the ANC on the ICJ case against Israel and keep pointing out they’re in love with Iran. It’s much easier now, of course, because Trump has set the example and people can speak their minds. Still, we have an extensive back-up plan for social media bots to amplify our messaging…”
Helene focused: “Let’s hit them now where it hurts. Can’t think of why Cyril would appoint that awful Dina Pule woman after she’s been shown to be dodgy… you didn’t whisper in his ear, did you, Toney? Ha ha ha!”
He allowed himself a chuckle: “We’ve got to fight sleaze and corruption with all our might because it is bringing down our country…”
Helene clapped: “That’s not a bad line, Toney, let’s put it in the press release.”
