I despise having people over for dinner.
https://gfycat.com/BareFelineEyelashpitviper
Astonished, much?
Here’s why. I hate cooking. If my kitchen was a human, I would have punched it in the face. I drop pots and pans onto my toes, constantly suffer burn wounds and eventually dish up something that resembles nothing edible at all.
Now is probably a good time to swear that I am not a hermit. I do have friends. What I also have is a huge intolerance for people who fail to arrive on time. I’m not talking about those who arrive late – that I can deal with. Actually I kind of like it sometimes. It’s the early ones that grate on me.
Case in point. Meredith is on her way to my home. She was invited via WhatsApp and the message clearly stated that I would see her at 18:00.If the doorbell rings at 17:50 or 17:55, I won’t be okay with that.
Here’s why:
I have been blessed with the ability to get showered, shaved and sort of sparkly for social purposes in ten minutes. Therefore you can assume that by 17:50, I am still lounging in my PEP Stores tracksuit top that alleges I’ve been to New York. (It is a blatant lie. I’ve never been, but the top might con people into thinking I am a world traveller.)
By 17:53, I step out of the shower and am dressed only in a towel.
By 17:55, my outfit has been stepped into and I am considering blow drying my hair. I do that and have a pre-makeup face by 17:58. That gives me two minutes to dab on some lip colour and apply blush, eyeliner and mascara. Okay, maybe I end up being ready by 18:05.
One would assume that, in a worst case scenario, Meredith might ring the doorbell to find me with one linerless eye.
But no. Somebody told Meredith that being early and being on time is the same thing. Who would do such a thing?!
Even worse: I’ve heard people say that being five minutes early is better than being on time.
If that is your opinion, why do you own a watch? Obviously, you’ll always have the wrong time on your wrist. I would reckon that someone who is always early should be functionally inclined, yet your indicator of time seems to be purely ornamental.
Back to Meredith. At 17:55, she rings my doorbell. I’ve mentally prepared to open the door at 18:00 and was counting on those extra five minutes. Yet now I will have to greet Meredith with wet hair, a fake New York top or, if I’m halfway into the ten-minute-dress-up-routine, completely naked.
Another hypothesis holds that Meredith always arrives on time. Now that I can deal with.
But that doesn’t happen very often. Honestly, how many times have you been on time and neither too early or too late – not even by a minute? There is only one time to be that anal when it comes to seconds and that is when you’re the guy launching a space ship. So you’re not that guy? Then it’s settled. You will always be either too late or too early. Whatever you do, don’t be the latter.
There are several reasons why I prefer late people over too early ones.
For starters, people who are late give me a few additional minutes to double check my outfit, add or remove some jewelry and touch up my makeup.
If Meredith had the decency to arrive five minutes late, I would have had the opportunity to pour a glass of wine and await her arrival like a lady.
Terrible embarrassment may await those who arrive for events too early. I will never forget a family funeral ten years ago. My dad is one of those five-minutes-early people. When arriving at a funeral, relatives of the deceased are expected to walk into the church after everyone else, enabling the mourners to rise and show their respects. Yet the mourners arrived to find us sitting down – we were there before anyone else.
Nobody knew whether to sit or stand and when to do so. With that amount of confusion, I was surprised not to find anyone lying down.
Imagine an early bride. The wedding guests will feel totally confused – if you are not seated and awaiting her, how can you stand up to admire her dress? (Is that why wedding guests rise? Come to think of it, I don’t know why that happens.)
If you are ever late and feel like it is the end of the world, remember these pearls of wisdom.
Meredith and whomever else may cross my doorstep in future. Herewith a request: be late if you must, but don’t be early. If you ring my doorbell before the time is due, heed this warning:
You do so at your own risk.
Bye now.
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