11 things you need to know before you move to the Lowveld

Regardless of where you travel within the borders of South Africa, every province, city or town seems to have its own personality.

Johannesburg is famous for its sass. As a plaasjapie, the hustle and bustle of South Africa’s concrete jungle can take the wind out of you and unapologetically so. If “hoity toity” had been a place,  the coordinates would definately lead you to Johannesburg.

On the other end of the fynbos, far across the Karoo, is another apt example. Cape Town is known as the “bragging right” of South Africa. Famously known as a tourist destination, it would definately be the artist; poised, calm, aesthetically pleasing and oh-so determined to be different. You come so close to calling it pretentious, but no one dares utter it.

Then we get to the Lowveld.

A thick vegetation hiding all of South Africa’s weird and wonderful creatures.

Here are 11 things you need to know before you move to the Lowveld

1. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen

Lowvelders have no real understanding of the four seasons. For some reason, the old chap known as Climate forgets what his job description entails when he gets to this part of the world. The region is known for its heat – throughout the whole year. Burn your boots and scarfs before you embark on your journey.

This is what we do all year ’round!

2. Make sure you know how to drive. Or to read minds. It’s all the same here

In the Lowveld, driving is considered an extreme sport. Be confident in your skills behind the wheel.

3. It is also known as the Slowveld, for valid reasons

If you are looking for short days and long party nights, keep driving, you have not reached your destination. The Lowveld is a picturesque landscape, with a beautiful connection to nature. Weekends are for birdwatching at the botanical garden, not dropping it low in a dimmed club.

4. Don’t forget to pack your open mind

With a high unemployment rate, the Lowveld has crafted some industrious entreprenuers. Legal or illegal, business is booming this side of the world. Be it from an industrial office park, or the side of the street, in a miniskirt and fishnets, on a Sunday, at 19:00… business is booming!

5. Be flexible with your supermarket, because Lowvelders love SPAR

As often as you make a stop at a red light, is how frequent you will drive past a SPAR.

6. Warning! Dangerous curves ahead. If you are thinking of moving to the Lowveld, invest in a car that enjoys mountain  climbing

The landscape of the Lowveld pretty much dictates what you drive. With all the hills and curves, a dropped-suspension vehicle will only make your life that much slower.

7. Know how to cow-whistle and you will be a hot commodity

“When I first moved to the Lowveld in 1998, people questioned my ability to whistle for cows”- Tereasa Ferrari.

So ladies, practice your cow-whistling skills if you want to up your game in the Lowveld social circles.

(Even we agree that this is odd).

8. Throw your diet out of the window! Peri-peri slap chips are the order of the day

For a region with the thickest vegetation, and freshest fruits, one would assume a good salad silences the munchies. No, not here. Adjust your expectations regarding your waist size and you will fit in perfectly.

9. Work on your fidelity, or cheat better

Mbombela still has one of the highest divorce rates in the country.  There is always someone watching, so brush up your cheating skills or renew your vows and stay faithful.

10. Lowvelders are smoking hot! So much so that they set the veld on fire

This is the season for veld fires, so be constantly aware and on the lookout for these, especially if you are relocating to a farm or plot.

11. Everything is bigger and better

The bugs in the Lowveld must be the most well-fed creatures alive. You will not find an obese cockroach anywhere else but here. Not only are these roaches the biggest, but they also take flight. That is just one example. So make peace with all the creepy crawlies that you will ocassionally greet under your pillow or inside your kitchen shelf!

Once you have moved and become accustomed to this lifestyle, you will find that the Lowveld is one of the best places to live in, warts and all!

Don’t take our word for it – read this testimony.

John Pasrons shares: I realised I had a continuing love affair with the Lowveld since 1955 when I first relocated to Tzaneen. That’s quite some time and the magic of those few years in what was then a small town, have never left me. I have covered most of the area in subsequent visits and the thought of seeing that wondrous expanse of grey-green trees with the Lebombo Mountains, faintly blue on the horizon, still excites me. Lowveld people are special, certainly not the same as when I first met them; then they were all pioneers, or descendants of pioneers, with great stories to tell. But now still great. There is a certain smell to the region, there are always trees somewhere which are blooming; in Tzaneen it was syringas which now long gone. But there is the space ( like the Karoo where I now live ) and glorious dawns and sunsets, every day a jewel. And, of course, the Kruger Park, always beckoning, calling you to return. For some it is too hot, but love it or hate it, it’s wonderful!

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