Here, wherever they lay their hats cannot be their homes

As a part-time resident, I must congratulate you on finally taking action against the hedonistic ingrates who live on the streets. While we pay through the nose to improve our homes and maintain our gardens, they get to enjoy an exotic al fresco urban lifestyle which gives them the option of waking up to a different view every day. These people think they are better than us and need to be punished.

They cannot be allowed to continue obstructing pavements with their lavish king-size cardboard beds. Many of them don’t even bother getting up until midday, by which time we god-fearing folk have had to drive past and see them still slumbering. Who wouldn’t rather sleep all morning than go to work? It’s not right that we should be reminded of how some people live. They are rubbing our noses in it.

Quite frankly, I’m not sure that a R300 fine is enough to deter these sponging sleepists. You need to impose additional fines for making other people feel guilty and/or envious. We are taxpaying patriots and shouldn’t be made to feel anything at all.

A R1 500 fine for lighting a fire in an undesignated area is also too lenient. Unless, of course, they are hosting a soiree of sorts in which flambeed entrees will be offered. Socialising is the glue that binds Cape Town together and it would be wrong to financially penalise even the homeless for the occasional festivity. In cases like these, a light whipping would be in order.

If, however, the gypsies and gutterpups are wantonly setting things alight with the sole intention of keeping hypothermia at bay, there must be proper consequences. I would suggest that your anti-homeless unit strips them naked and makes them swim to Robben Island. It is important that one shows a degree of compassion. You could thus offer prizes for the fastest time, best original style, most elegant drowning and so on.

Obviously those who make it to Robben Island will be expected to remain there for the rest of their unnatural lives. They can sleep in the cells and eat wild rabbits. That is an improvement on their present situation and you might want to impose a modest stipend for the privilege. It is, after all, an island. And if a cell was good enough for Nelson Mandela, it’s good enough for them. Also, rabbit stew is not to be sniffed at. Not when it’s made from Robben Island rabbits, anyway.

I understand there is also a R500 fine for littering. Why are these vagabonds littering? They are meant to have nothing. Discarding anything implies they had something to start with. Is the wool being pulled over our eyes? I dare say it is.

There is another atrocity requiring one of your special municipal remedies. The dress sense of homeless people in Cape Town leaves much to be desired. More than once I have had to turn away at the sight of a rancid homunculus wearing a jacket which clashes horribly with its trousers. I think R800 for sartorial offences is reasonable.

I hear liberal-minded people-huggers are complaining that you are being unduly harsh. That is ridiculous. Just a year ago, the city built an overnight facility for the homeless. Not in some leafy suburb where they would have felt awkward and out of place, but beneath the Culemborg bridge. They are happiest when they are under bridges. It is their natural habitat.

The shelter can accommodate 230 people, or, presumably, 460 if they sleep one on top of the other. It also offers a soup kitchen, cleaning services and security. That is beyond generous. I certainly wouldn’t say no to a free bowl of gruel, a high-powered hosing down and a bit of saucy baton action by a man in a uniform. Be careful not to spoil them.

The mayoral committee’s head of safety and security, JP Smith, insists the city’s by-laws are more pro-poor than those in other cities. He has a point. In Pretoria, for instance, the homeless are being butchered at a rate of knots. Not pleasant, but one must admit that homicide is a more effective deterrent than a fine.

I have written about JP Smith before. He is a wonderful disciplinarian with a healthy loathing for the downtrodden. Out of respect, I once dubbed him Baron JP von Schmidtundwesson. He says that anyone on the street right now is there by choice. Precisely. If the shelters are full, there is always suicide. If those unattractive bags of rags would rather live than die, that’s is indeed their choice.

A few years ago the Baron tried to stop homeless people from sleeping among the boulders in Clifton by erecting metal spikes and blade wire along the wealthiest stretch of road in the country. It looked like a cross between Passchendaele and Checkpoint Charlie by the time he had finished. It didn’t work, of course. People who are down and out on the Atlantic Seaboard generally have degrees in engineering and are familiar with the work-around. Which, in this case, was the fence ending short. More of a walk-around, really.

You say that in the first three months of this year there were over three thousand complaints from the public about the antics of the homeless. Does this include juggling and card tricks? I heard that all the complaints came from Mrs Mildred de la Elefont of Tamboerskloof. Is this true?

You also say that your change in approach is a result of complaints being received from areas other than the central business district. Would it be fair to say that the increase in complaints is linked to an increase in Germans occupying Camps Bay? Good for you. These people need to be protected, even if they are only here for two weeks a year.

I understand your frustration. As the Baron said, “We’ve issued thousands of compliance notices. For two years that’s all we did, just warn people hundreds of times over.” It’s a bit like the media reporting endlessly about state capture with nothing ever happening. Fortunately, our homeless are so much easier to punish than our politicians.

Having said that, you are presumably aware that these shiftless grifters have no intention of ever paying up. The fines will, however, make a decent substitute for Rizlas. For that alone, the homeless should be grateful.

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