Mbaks’ take on Tariffs, reed dances and America Lite

Dear President Donald Trump,

My name is Fikile Mbalula, the secretary-general of the ANC in South Africa.

We have faced some challenges in recent times and because we no longer have a 50% majority, we are now part of a coalition government.

You know how awful that can be, Your Eminence, especially when your dire political enemies colour themselves blue.

I have been thinking – sincerely and deeply – since the White House encounter between you and our President Cyril Ramaphosa last year, in which you hung him out to dry like a piece of old biltong. (That is closest to what you call jerky in your country, Your Worship and, indeed, some here believe our president can sometimes be a jerk.)

Ha ha. That is a joke, sir. I don’t want to get fired… actually I do because what’s not to like about being King, like you?

Before I go any further, Your Magnificence, I would like to inform you that what I say from now on must be in the strictest confidence.

I am a newcomer when it comes to the Art of the Deal, but I have studied your book and your actions as the 47th Potus and I have come to the realisation that you and I can come to an agreement which will be in the best interests of both of our countries – but, more importantly, of you and me.

But word of this cannot get out. As anyone who knows me will confirm to Your Highness, I am one of the finest politicians money can buy. And, frankly, I have decided that I have been trying to butter my bread on the wrong side, ideologically speaking, for far too long.

You are Making America Great Again, we in the ANC are merely Making South Africa Grate. We need an injection of vitamin D (for Donald, ha ha) to rescue us.

Until we discovered how you do things, we thought ICE was something we chucked in our Johnnie Walker Blue Label… but if those guys gave us a bit of training – especially in shooting unarmed protesters in the back – it wouldn’t take us long to get rid of the kwerekweres (foreigners) cluttering up our country.

With a little bit of the spine which you exhibit, Wonderful One, we could make billions by charging tariffs on the water we get from Lesotho. Hell, that place is the Canada of South Africa, so we could take it over completely.

And we wouldn’t stop there – Swaziland is not much good other than for maidens doing reed dances…

Ah ha! Got your attention there. Not only that, we could take over “Nambia” and rename it Trump-ylvania in your honour.

Indeed if you take my ideas to their logical conclusion, we could become your 52nd state, after those useless Canucks: Call us America Lite, if you’d like.

Be assured, we would immediately ban the International Court of Justice and all its officials and cease all legal actions, deport all Palestinian hangers-on and give Israel Kimberley as some Lebensraum for their new settlements.

And this place will be a lot easier than seizing Venezuela and nabbing Nicolás Maduro You won’t need as many Seal Teams – in fact a New York cop and three ICE people should do it.

I have attached my phone number to this document. Give me a call when you’re ready and I’ll go to Waterkloof airbase, send the guard back to bed, turn on the landing lights and direct you to where Cyril is sleeping…

Once that’s done, just swear me in – use my Green Card name, Bubba Mbaks – and the door will open to a bright, cooperative future.