MBOMBELA – If your spouse decides to leave you, your reaction could range from judgmental to denial. No matter how long and hard you ponder on his or her decision, it may not change the fact that he or she chose to leave.
Lowvelder spoke to local experts about the psychological and legal issues surrounding separations.
The feelings experienced by the abandoned party following a separation was expressed by Canadian therapist Ms Viki Stark. She had been married to her husband for 21 years. Their “marital bliss” abruptly ended when her husband left her. She felt confused and upset and in need of closure.
“The closest I ever got to an explanation for his behaviour was that he was bored,” she wrote on her web page, suddenlysingle.hubgarden.com.
She has since come to understand that her husband was simply done with their marriage. Whether it is morally justifiable or not, she has discovered that people sometimes make this decision and stick to it.
Stark calls men who do this “runaway husbands.”
Local psychologist, Ms Elmarie Ungerer, offered some insight on the “runaway husband” or “runaway partner” theory. She extended the concept to include abandoning women as well. Ungerer explained that the process of identifying a possible life partner is a psychologically complicated one and that, when the euphoria of finding “the one” wears off, a primal reaction could lead to a person abandoning his or her loved one. According to Ungerer, this can be avoided by both parties taking responsibility for dealing with their psychological and relational issues and getting help if necessary.
Relationships are complicated
Ungerer’s insights into relationships are based on the IMAGO relationship therapy model, which is based on the works of Dr Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt.
“One’s subconscious holds blueprints with ‘images’ of those who had formed us. Our initial attraction to people that registers certain positive images in connection with somebody, happens there. A number of things can trigger this – mannerisms, a tone of voice or physical attributes, for example,” says Ungerer. This attraction has also been called ‘love at first sight’. It can feel as if you have known the person your whole life”.
This first phase of a relationship is called the romantic phase. The brain secretes chemicals causing a feeling of euphoria and ecstasy.
Over time, this secretion stops and the euphoria comes to an end.
“Frustrations surface and the two begin to push each others buttons, so to speak,” Ungerer explained.
The subconscious registers that the perfect partner has some flaws too. The relationship now reaches a phase where the partners battle for the upper hand,” she said.
Seeking therapy
This is where many couples seek therapy. What started as moonlight and roses, has become something between thunderstorms and a terrible drought. In these conflict situations, partners become inclined to react in survival mode, implementing primitive instincts.
“They switch into fight, flight or freeze mode,” explained Ungerer. “Attack, defence withdrawal, aggression fear and revenge comes with this.”
According to Ungerer, the dynamics at work in the subconscious need to be dealt with. If this is not done, partners may seek solace by burying themselves in work, hobbies, friends or even adultery or addiction. Some choose to flee, such as runaway partners.
Fleeing from the situation without dealing with the dynamics at play within the subconscious, is no solution. Doing so might lead to the situation repeating itself. Divorce rates of 67% for second marriages and 73% for third marriages substantiates this.
Divorce
There are instances where both life partners are not willing to work at saving a relationship. In such cases, the parties may consider a divorce. Local attorney, Ms Clea Hattingh, enlightened Lowvelder on surrounding legalities.
“If you and your estranged partner can reach an agreement regarding the division of your assets, primary residence of and visitation rights of your minor children and maintenance, your divorce may be uncontested. An uncontested divorce can be finalized within eight to 12 weeks.”
Hattingh pointed out that break-ups are, however, often emotional affairs. In many cases, parties are not able to reach consensus about these issues. In cases like these, contested divorces are at play.
“A contested divorce may take months, or even years, to conclude,” she said. “Where the parties are unable to agree on certain issues, the parties’ attorneys argue on their behalf and the court has the final say.”
Hattingh explained that a contested divorce has a number of steps:
Summons and particulars of claim
A divorce summons identifies the party who institutes the divorce (the plaintiff) and his/her estranged partner (the defendant). The summons explains that the plaintiff wants to divorce the defendant. The particulars of claim elaborates on the details of the divorce. According to law, the sheriff must serve the summons on the defendant personally.
Further pleadings
The defendant may also elaborate on his position and claims, where after the plaintiff can respond.
Application for and set down of trial date
The registrar of the Regional Court allocates a trial date for the divorce proceedings.
Discovery of documents and further discovery
Both parties are requested to come forth with documents relevant to the proceedings.
Pre-trial conference
If requested by the court, an informal conference may be conducted in the presiding officer’s chambers where disputes may be disputes.
Trial
Judgment
Although these step may seem systematic, the procedures are part of an emotionally draining process. During the trial preparation phase, the parties will have ample opportunities to settle. Some prefer this route as divorces can end up being expensive.
“Acting from an emotionally charged perspective is often tempting during such trying times,” Hattingh said.
“As a rule of thumb, clients are advised not to act before consulting with their attorneys. By fully informing clients regarding the law governing their divorces as well as the progress of their cases, attorneys must give clients piece of mind. Divorce is difficult enough. I would not recommend that anyone go through it without a legal representative by their side.”
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