Here is your most expert 2020 horoscope from a self-taught backyard expert

Wasting no time, Saturn and Pluto are hooking up with Capricorn for an astral threesome which is bound to get pretty wild. Jupiter, who seems to be quite the player, will have a thing with both Saturn and Pluto later in the year. In March, Saturn will enter Aquarius. Bit rude. They barely know one another. It gets worse. Taurus is going to spend the entire year in Uranus. Lubrication will be essential.

I miss the golden age of the Big Bang. There was a sense of propriety among the celestial bodies that is sorely lacking today.

Having recently spent a night on my back at the bottom of the garden, I am now an expert in astrology. Here, then, is your Horrorscope for the year ahead.

Aries – This is a fire sign, but you probably don’t need reminding because ever since you were little, people have been telling you not to play with matches. The good news is that this is your year to burn stuff. Don’t hold back. It can be anything from parking fines to office blocks. When the police try to arrest you, tell them you are astrologically impervious to their authority since you are governed by Mars alone. If they are fellow Aries, they will understand. If they aren’t, set them alight and run away. You will come to a fork in the road. Go straight.

Taurus – Your element is Earth. This year you are entitled to behave as if you own it. Get drunk and disorderly, drive slowly in the fast lane and park in handicapped bays. You are ruled by Venus and not, as you have always thought, your penis. Your symbol is the Bull. Act accordingly. Attack people who wear red and, when angry, paw the ground and snort loudly. On the career front, you will lose your job but will find happiness in other things. Heroin, mainly.

Gemini – Nobody likes a Gemini. Not even other Geminis. Your element is Air, which, quite frankly, is ridiculous. Your symbol is The Twins. Nobody trusts twins. Your ruler is Mercury, an effete little fellow who flitted around the heavens gossiping about Aphrodite banging half the pantheon and how wasted Dionysus got at last Saturday’s bacchanalia. This is the year you shut up for a moment and give someone else a chance to talk. Divorce is on the cards. The bad news is that you will marry again before the year is out.

Cancer – Because you are governed by the Moon, you cannot help behaving like a lunatic. In March a genetic time bomb will detonate in your brain and you will begin emulating your astrological symbol. You will leave home to join the Crab People who have been living in the Earth’s crust for thousands of years waiting for an opportunity to take over the world. You will erect a bivouac in an isolated wooded area and live off moles and rainwater until you are taken away to a place of safety.

Leo – Your ruling planet is the Sun. So, to your discredit, is your favourite newspaper. Much like your symbol, the Lion, your pride often stops you from straying into unchartered territory. You are compatible with anyone as long as they have their own transport, money and functioning genitals. Driven mad by your unrelenting good humour, a family member will try to kill you in July. Your massive ego suffers a blow but you quickly recover and go on to perform an improvised act at the Market Theatre. Well, outside the Market Theatre. In fact, on a pavement outside a crack house in Hillbrow.

Virgo – Next to Gemini, Virgos are the most disliked of the star signs. 2020 is the Year of the Rat. There will be unexpected adventures and unusual romances, many of them involving rats. You will be more popular this year if you raise your skirt and lower your standards. If you are a man, let your willy and not your brain do the thinking for a change. Many Virgos are found in the service industries. Remember that prostitution not only provides a valuable service, but it’s also a fun way to earn extra money.

Libra – Affectionate and romantic, you depend too heavily on friends for support. The Scales are your symbol, which suggests you also depend too heavily on drugs. Ambitious yet lethargic, you need balance in your life. Less weed and more speed. Make the year more interesting by saying yes when you mean no, and vice versa. Be careful of the number seven and avoid men who wear hats. A relationship will literally blow up in your face. Wear a Kevlar helmet when going on dates.

Scorpio – Your element is water and your symbol is the scorpion. This makes no sense. Scorpions hate water unless it has a dash of whisky in it. For the sake of compromise, let us make your symbol a Jameson’s on the rocks. Ruled by Mars, a rubbish planet overrun by toy cars from America, the ever-contrarian Scorpio knows all the answers and has a prodigious passion for power. All Israelis are Scorpios. You are entering an exciting new phase of love, prosperity and the total annihilation of Palestine.

Sagittarius – As the Archer, you owe it to yourself to invest in a real bow this year. Your metaphorical arrows have failed you dismally in the past, either falling short or hitting the wrong target altogether. It’s time for the real thing. Think big. Instead of stealing the office stationery, rob a bank. No, not with a bow and arrow, you idiot. Use a gun like everyone else. You will once again be unlucky in love this year. With the Centaur as your astrological symbol, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. On the other hand, there are women who think nothing of sharing their bed with a creature who is half-human, half-beast.

Capricorn – Goat-people often need to be push-started. The first step on any journey is the hardest, especially when you are very stoned. Sometimes it takes a little light whipping to get you moving. Once you are climbing the mountain of success, you don’t know when to stop and often have to be brought down with a dart gun for your own good. Worrying about your cholesterol levels will kill you quicker than the cholesterol. Eat more fried food. Laughter and tears will come easily this year. You may be bipolar.

Aquarius – Water makes a prominent appearance in your life this year. If you are a golfer, water hazards will claim many balls from you. You will also have a near-drowning experience. A urophile hiding in a tree will wee on your head. If you live near a river, your home will be flooded. You could develop water on the brain. Considered to be special people, there are more Aquarians in mental asylums than any other sign. For those who weigh less than 50kgs, it is going to be a good year for love. Or anorexia.

Pisces – The Zodiac’s most sensitive sign, which is silly because fish are easily the most insensitive animals on the planet. Pisceans are relatively easy to hook and make good eating, but they can become confused and belligerent when out of their element for too long. Their natural environment is happy hour at a wet bar. July will see dreams turn into reality. In August, reality will become dreams. Come September, there will be doctors, lithium and straps on your bed.

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